


To My Twenties

by epipastles



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Airport scene, Angst, Drunk confessions, Han Jisung Is Whipped, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Han jisung is a coward, High School AU, M/M, Mention of chan - Freeform, Oblivious Felix, Prom dates, bestfriends au, mention of minho - Freeform, slow-burn, subtle seungjin, young k as jisung’s brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24541906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epipastles/pseuds/epipastles
Summary: Jisung has been in love with Felix ever since he was sixteen. Now that he’s in his twenties, he regrets everything.Or five times Jisung could’ve confessed his feelings for his bestfriend but backouts because he’s a fucking coward so he just writes a letter instead.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	To My Twenties

**Author's Note:**

> The legal age I placed here is 19 because I am going to based it on the international age system so it might confused others since the legal age in korea is 20 (but in international age, 19)

_ 01 _

  
Sixteen years old Han Jisung was a rebel--or at least he was trying to be. 

The whole summer he spent his life locked in his room, screaming along the emo punk songs he found online, playing video games and drastically bleached his long hair. Jisung doesn’t care if school’s starting in a week, he's just hellbent on spending the summer alone and going through a phase because he is missing someone. 

Said missing someone just arrived, that’s when Jisung pauses his game, he knows that vehicle noise despite the fact that the volume in his headphone is maximized. He opens his window which he regrets, burned by the hot weather of Seoul, but he managed to take a glance at the huge house three blocks away from them that still can be seen from his room. 

That’s when he barged out of his room. “Felix is here!” he shouts excitedly. Ignoring his mother’s scream because he startled her. He passed by his brother Younghyun who’s strumming lazily his guitar by the couch, the older one lightly laughs at him. “He sure do loves him” 

Jisung crosses the street, passing by three houses for him to reach Felix’ place. He reached the Lee’s unpacking their luggage. 

“Hi aunt and uncle! Where’s Felix?” he asked enthusiastically, bouncing as he can’t hold his excitement. 

Mr. Lee laughs at the blonde boy “Well he went to his room, he said he got a jet lag so I’m not sure if he wants to talk to you at this moment”

_ “Oh” _ Jisung thought, suddenly, his mood changed by Mr. Lee’s words. Jisung lightly shrugs, he guess that the flight from Australia to Seoul is long so it makes sense why Felix is tired. Nevertheless, the boy only smiled.

“That’s okay! I can meet him tomorrow!”

But Felix doesn’t want to show up the next day, Jisung’s heart sinks when he enters the house only to be informed that his best friend locked himself in his room. 

“I don’t know Jisung, during the flight back home he suddenly became” Mrs. Lee took a sip on her tea.  **_“Sad”_ **

“Maybe he just misses me so much” Jisung jokes, earning a small chuckle from her. 

“I don’t know what happened in Australia, maybe he’s just going through a phase, you know” Mrs. Lee giggles.  _ “Teenagers” _

The boy doesn’t get why Felix doesn’t want to let him go inside his room, did something happen in Australia? But Jisung was persistent, he misses his bestfriend so much that he will pester him to let him enter his room. 

“Oh my god what is it?” Jisung was taken back, adolescence is now hitting Felix, his voice suddenly drops and becomes deeper than the last time. 

  
  


“Don’t you miss me?” he whined, leaning against the door of Felix’ room. Felix on the other hand, turns around, grabbing his dirty hoodie from the laundry bag. “I don’t” he taunted, plastering a smirk on his face.

Jisung scoffs “So much for a best friend” he rolled his eyes, he knows that his best friend is just joking but he doesn’t know why but it hurts. 

“Jisung I don’t want to show my face!” that's when Jisung raised an eyebrow. 

“What’s with your face?”

“Ugliness”

“Come on you won’t see my new hair color”

Yes, Jisung impulsively dyed his hair  **_again_ ** , it was supposed to be something darker but his brother dyed it to a brighter color--ginger. 

A scream echoed inside the house when Jisung fell flat on the carpet the moment Felix opened the door suddenly. His head was spinning which made his best friend panic. “Oh my goodness, you dumbass!” Felix shouted

“You could’ve just opened the door more carefully!” Jisung nags, standing up and looking at Lix, the boy was hiding underneath the hood of his hoodie and covered his face with a face mask, making Jisung crease his forehead.

“I didn’t know you were leaning against the door!” it gives Jisung chills to hear Felix’ new voice, he guessed that he just has to get used to it. 

“What’s with you and your face mask? Did something happen?” he changes the topic, making Felix look away and sit on his bed. 

Jisung approaches him. “Come on, you know me, I won’t stop till I get the answer” he mumbles, poking the latter’s shoulders, Felix swats his hands away but faces him. 

“Promise you won’t laugh at me?” he pouted

Jisung shakes his head.

For a minute, Felix stares at him and slowly removes the hood of his jacket, it confuses the latter but when Felix removes his face mask that’s when Jisung’s mouth formed a small gap. 

It’s like dust particles with different shades of brown scattered around Felix’ cheeks and on his nose--no, it’s all round his face. What do they call it?  **_Freckles_ ** . Felix got freckles during his stay in Australia, and since it was something new, he was insecure about it because it stands out on his pale skin, and what’s worse is that he was afraid to make fun about it in his school. 

“See, this is why I don’t want you to show it!” he exclaims, wearing the hood again and laying down on his bed.

“Stupid, let me see it again” Jisung pulled Felix to sit on the bed, removing the hood to see Felix pouting like a puppy which made him smile. 

Despite being friends for a long time, this is the first time Jisung faced Felix at this close. That’s when he felt his heart beating fast, it went crazy as he stared at Felix’ luring eyes, diverting his attention to his freckles and finding it more beautiful because it suits Felix’ visual heck it even enhanced his beauty.

“You’re beautiful” Jisung whispers obliviously

“What?”

“What!?” Jisung snaps out of reality, that’s when he realized that he was too close and his hands are cupping on Felix’ cheeks. He lets go and quickly backs out making Felix raise an eyebrow on his action. 

“I’m beautiful?” he repeated

“Uhm….you see” Jisung clears his throat, trying to make up an excuse. “Well yeah, you’re beautiful!” he defeated

“Since when are you this sincere Jisung?” Felix crosses his arms. 

“When was I not?” Jisung clicks his tongue. “I know you feel insecure with your freckles but it suits you Felix that’s why I told you you’re beautiful” 

And even though without those freckles, Jisung still finds his best friend beautiful. He just doesn't have the courage to tell him because it will be downward awkward. 

“Plus you’re not the one who’s going to school with a ginger hair” he pointed out.

Felix laughs, his best friend looks dumb with his long locks dyed bright orange, he wonders if Jisung was going through a phase but he found it comforting that he’s not the only who will look dumb for the rest of middle school. 

“You look stupid but thanks Jisung” he frozed when Felix suddenly pulled him into a hug, eyes widened when he felt Felix tapping his back, his head nuzzled to his shoulders. 

_ 01 _

**_Hey Felix,_ **

**_So, this is stupid, never thought that I am such a coward that instead of telling you what I feel, I’ll just write it out. But I just wanted to tell you that you’re beautiful, you’re so goddamn beautiful. The freckles in your cheeks and nose are like the stars at the night sky which we would frequently stargaze when we were kids so don’t ever think that it’s fucking ugly because it’s not, mine was ugly, fuck this orange hair of mine. So, I just want you to know that i missed you so much and over the summer I was so lonely that I basically went to an emo phase, can you believe it? Blame my brother who writes sad love song lyrics (oh by the way, they got scouted by an agency yey!) Anyways, summer wasn’t the same without you, because we would always go to the Han river and ride bikes and go on a picnic but I guess we’ll do it next summer._ **

**_I should’ve told you that I like you earlier but, I was taken back, I was overthinking, was I being too much? Or maybe you’ll think it was a joke because you know me and my personality :))) well I do wish it was a joke--but it was not, I like you Felix. God, i’m so fucking in love with you, I don’t know when it started but its just, the moment I look at you or talk to you my heart go all crazy! I never thought this would happen but here I am *insert clown noises* I don’t know if you feel the same way that’s why I backed out. We’re only 16 and I guess we’re still young to be in a relationship, you get what I mean? Hahahahaha fuck :)_ **

**_Jisung_ **

**_Oh by the way, when I cupped your cheeks, why didn’t you remove it?_ **

  
  


_ 02 _

School dances are important for graduating middle school students. For a seventeen year old, Jisung doesn’t quite understand the concept of it. It’s just a night where they wear suits and cocktails, dance till the soles of their shoes are worn out and there are still rules abide! No PDA, No alcohol and no reckless attitude. 

Did I mention that dates are a must-have? Imagine walking to the red carpet alone, that will probably scar your whole middle school life. 

Felix gasps when Jisung opens the topic. “It’s a school dance! The only time we relieve our stress from school works and shit!” he exclaimed, making Jisung laugh at his dramatic self. “Why? Isn’t playing video games and watching movies not a form of stress reliever?” he asked. 

“You don’t understand” Felix replied with gritted teeth, “This is like bonding with our classmates--no, with our batchmates! With our seniors! So it’s not just any stress reliever, it’s a memory!” Jisung can sense the frustration in Felix’ words. 

“Fine! Fine! But a date? Is that serious?” he asked, crossing his arms.

“Not really, but I heard that many people ended up together after the dance”

That’s when Jisung’s ears peered. Glancing at his best friend who’s scrolling through his phone. 

_ “Oh really?”  _ the gingerhead thought

“So what are your plans?” he asked

“Oh I'm asking Chan hyung” Jisung frowns. 

He knows Felix is such a sappy person, having probably more than ten crushes throughout this school year, but of all those crushes. Bang Chan stood out the most. He’s just Felix’ senior in the basketball club, and Jisung swears that his best friend has those heart eyes when he watches Chan play on the court.

Jisung laughs at Felix’ answer making him crease a forehead. “Is there something wrong?”

“Felix, you’re my best friend but--” he burst out laughing. “But---Chan hyung? He’s like god dude, fucking unreachable” 

That triggered Felix, all of the things he hates about his best friend is that he doesn’t encourage him enough, he was shaking nervous the entire day because he’ll ask Chan out today at their practice and he needs some support from Jisung but instead, he’ll get those words. 

“I know he’s unreachable but there’s no harm in trying!” Felix snaps, standing up and making Jisung shut up. 

“Felix, hey I didn’t mean it--”

“If you’re so full of yourself Han Jisung why don’t you try asking out someone as your date huh?” he challenged, and before Jisung could defend himself, Felix walked out.

Jisung crosses his arms, pissed. “How can I? When I want you as my date” he mumbled. Since his best friend is going out with someone else, then might as well find a date. 

“Hey!” he shouts when he notices someone familiar passing by. 

The boy stops his track, closing the book he was reading. He looks at Jisung as he slides his glasses up to his nose bridge. 

“Han Jisung what is it?”

“Kim Seungmin” Jisung smiles. “Do you have a date for the school dance?” Aside from Felix, Seungmin is Jisung’s closest friend. He’s been his seatmate ever since elementary up until now, they both help each other especially with the subjects both are lacking. 

“Ugh…” Seungmin thought about it.

“I don’t have one! Why don’t we just go there together?” he asked

Seungmin’s eyes widened for a second. “Sure Jisung”

“Great!” although it was a relief that Seungmin agreed, Jisung can’t help but slightly frown. He lowered his head as he thought about his best friend, hoping that the senior he is fond of will agree. 

_ 02 _

Felix barges in Jisung’s room crying, his sniffles are loud and his eyes are watery and yet they sparkle like a doe’s eyes. Jisung didn’t hesitate to comfort his best friend, ignoring the fact that the two of them had a small argument earlier. 

“Sorry” Jisung whispers

“It’s not your fault I got rejected” Felix mumbles, face hiding on the latter’s chest. 

“I made fun of you, that’s worse” Jisung interjects. 

Felix calms down after a few minutes, he then explains that Chan didn’t clearly reject him but the boy’s just busy that he can’t go to the school dance, Felix didn’t even ask more because that was enough for him.

“Man suddenly I don’t want to go to the school dance” Felix pouts, laying down on the soft mattress of Jisung’s bed. The latter looks at him. “Why? Because you don’t have a date?” 

“Not that, I mean what’s so special about dates” he whispered which made Jisung laugh. It seems like earlier, Felix was buzzing about how dates are the highlight of the dance, rejection really changes people. 

“We can go together” Jisung suggested. 

That’s when Felix sits up on the bed. “Are you serious?”

“I mean as friends” Jisung fakes a smile.  _ “It could be more than friends though”  _

“Plus I don’t have a date” he added.  _ “I’m so sorry Seungmin” _

  
  


_ 02 _

“Hey Seung!” Jisung manages to catch up with Seungmin who’s on his way to their classroom.

“What is it?”

“Aside from me, did someone ask you out to the school dance?” Jisung asked, holding his hands because they were shaking of nervous. 

Seungmin raises an eyebrow as he eyed the latter. “Hyunjin did, he asked first but I only told him I’ll think about it—“ “Go to the dance with him!” Jisung shouts which startled the latter. 

“Jisung, care to explain?” Seungmin asked in a stern voice, crossing his arms. The two of them are in the middle of a crowded hallway but no one seems to care about it. 

Jisung gulps. “First of all I am so sorry for asking you out, it wasn’t my intention and I really have no plans on going to the school dance but—“ “I’m not mad Jisung, just go straight to the point” Seungmin was irritated 

“Felix” was the only thing that came out of his mouth. “He got rejected by his date so I am a dumbass who will save his school dance by asking him out” 

Seungmin lets out a laugh, confusing the latter at the same time giving him a relief that the boy’s not mad at him. 

“You’re so in love with Felix Jisung, why don’t you go and confess to him?” 

Jisung’s smile fades and suddenly, he looks away, unsure what to say. 

_ 02 _

**_When Seungmin said that I should go and confess to you, I wish it was that easy. I wish that if I would confess to you, you’ll immediately say “Yes for fucks sake i like you too Han Jisung” but you’re the most oblivious person I ever met and I know myself that you won’t like me back, plus confessing to you is like breaking our friendship and I don’t want that to happen._ **

**_Last night was a blast for the two of us, you look so goddamn handsome in your outfit. I wish I had you and that you won’t let go. You look so happy to be at the school dance and I was so happy to see you happy, god I’m so whipped for you?_ **

**_The school dance wasn’t so bad at all, I did enjoy it._ **

_02_

_ Jisung and Felix sat at a four person table with Seungmin and Hyunjin, the atmosphere wasn’t that awkward at all because they have known each other for a long-time. It’s a small city and an even smaller school.  _

_ It was Hyunjin and Felix who shared conversations since the two of them are in the same dancing club, Jisung finds it endearing to see how loud his best friend can be tonight, his eyes only fixated to him in which Seungmin clears his throat _

_ “what?” _

_ “You’re too obvious” Seungmin observes, grinning.  _

_ “I can be obvious if the person I am staring at is oblivious” he justified _

_ That’s when Seungmin dragged Jisung out of the venue.  _

_ “What is this, an intervention?” Jisung crosses his arms as the two walk around the empty school. The school dance was held there and everyone’s at the school gym at the moment.  _

_ “Do you want me to speak loudly about how you’re so in love with Felix?” he asked, the two stopped when they reached the bleachers near the school field. Sitting on the first bleachers.  _

_ “I don’t know Seungs, Felix is hard to read and thinking of confessing my feelings for him” Jisung cringes. “It’s not cringey, I'm just afraid” he lets out a sigh.  _

_ “So what are you going to do? be his best friend forever?” Seungmin asked, laying down to stargaze _

_ The comforting silence was the only thing that answered him. Jisung looked up and saw nothing but glittering sky. “I don’t know Seungmin”  _

_ Life is too complicated for the latter, he might think it’s too poetic and philosophical but Jisung thought that life is like a roller-coaster—-something he hates the most, but once you ride a roller coaster, you don’t know what will happen, there will be ups and downs and a little loop to give you thrill. The boy wasn’t unsure of what the future held, he didn't want to take the risk of it like riding a roller coaster and just tried to play safe instead, despite the aching feeling he had inside.  _

_ Few minutes later and they went back to the school gym, from the outside the two can hear the loud edm music that’s hyping out the students. In the sea of people, Jisung locks his eye on his best friend who’s dancing crazily with Hyunjin. He can hear Seungmin’s laughter, he then looks at Seungmin and sees how his eyes are locked to Hyunjin.  _

_ Just like him, Seungmin likes Hyunjin and the only thing that’s different is that Hyunjin likes Seungmin back.  _

_ 02 _

**_In the middle of the dance floor, there you are. Like the idiot you are who dances weird steps you watched online. It became more beautiful when you pulled me to dance with you, at first I was hesitating, standing there like an idiot but your smile and laugh became my battery (god that’s cringey, I don’t know why I wrote that but that’s how I really feel) and I didn’t noticed that I was dancing with you stupidly too, you who was so excited by the school dance only to got your heart broken because you got rejected by your crush but here you are dancing with me and I never felt more happier because I made you happy. Everything was just fucking euphoric to me._ **

**_Our dance got interrupted when I heard Seungmin and Hyunjin squealing, as I turned around I saw Seungmin hugging Hyunjin, almost lifting the boy, his legs stretched out because he’s taller than Seungmin._ **

**_Someone became a couple tonight but it wasn’t us._ **

**_I’m happy for them but I wish the same for me, I wish that this school dance would end up with me confessing to you my feelings and you cutting it off with a kiss which becomes the highlight of the night_ **

**_But the only thing that happened is I watched you walk towards the gate of your house, and before you could open it, you came back to me and hugged me._ **

**_Maybe a hug would suffice, but there’s something inside of me that wants more of you but I’m a coward Felix, don’t expect too much._ **

**_I’m just happy you enjoyed this night_ **

**_-Jisung_ **

_03_

  
  


Felix had his real boyfriend when he was eighteen. 

“He’s cute and a senior! He loves cats but our first date was at a dog cafe because he knows I like dogs!” Felix was bragging about it over dinner. It was his parents’ wedding anniversary and of course the Han family were invited. 

Next to him was Jisung, head lower than ever. He can’t bear to hear those words coming out from Felix’s mouth. He could only turn his attention to the dish but he lost his appetite halfway when they opened up Felix’s new relationship. 

_ It hurts him _

“Three months? yeah, it’s still new and I just hope it would last” Felix muttered, shoving a spoonful of rice. 

“Oh look at you growing up and having boyfriends” Mrs. Han cooed, ruffling the boy’s hair which made the table more bright. “I just hope our Sungie could find someone” she turns to his son. “If only you get a hold of yourself and dye your hair to a normal color then maybe you got a boyfriend right now” she nagged. Jisung chokes on his food, right his hair is freakishly blue this time and he admits that it suits him the most. 

“Mom!” the boy scowled. “I don’t want a boyfriend they’re just a waste of time”

_ “It's a waste of time if it’s not Felix”  _ he thought. 

“Well we can’t blame Sungie if he doesn’t want to, he’ll find the right guy for him” Felix defended. 

“Right” Jisung replied, gritting his teeth. Felix looked at his best friend and noticed the quick change of attitude. Brushing it off, the boy started talking about his boyfriend once again. 

“As I was saying, his name is Minho and oh! he’s in the dance club with me, I was really surprised when he approached me and asked for my number—“ “Classic Minho” Jisung comments. 

“You have something to say?” Felix raises an eyebrow. The latter shrugs, stuffing himself with the side dish. “I know Minho, he may be cute and great at dancing but that dude’s out of this world! he has this 4d personality like I don’t know no one seems to really understand him” he blurted out, looking at Felix with a small grin. 

An awkward atmosphere tenses the dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Lee both exchanged looks before staring at Mr. and Mrs. Han, Jisung’s mother was surprised by her son’s attitude all of the sudden. The teasing tone which spills a hint of bitterness was there. Felix grips on his utensils tightly as he glared at his unbothered best friend. 

“The steak was well-done Mrs. Lee” Younghyun compliments all of the sudden, not giving a fuck about the tension between the table. 

Felix drags Jisung outside all of the sudden. He could have sworn he wanted to punch the hell out of Jisung but he’s holding it back, it’s too petty to punch him. 

“What was that!?” Felix shouts

“Why? it’s true! you can tell it right?” Jisung’s remarks made Felix quiet. 

“It’s not necessary” the tone on Felix’s voice became serious which struck Jisung. “Why do you have to make comments on my boyfriend Jisung? that was petty of you!”

_ “Petty? right”  _ Jisung crosses his arms. His best friend was right, he was petty because he was jealous, he was jealous by the fact that Felix is taken by someone who’s older than him and two times good-looking than him. 

Maybe if he wasn’t a downward coward then maybe Felix was his but no, he doesn’t have the guts to, because he knows that their friendship was at risk. 

“Why? aren’t you proud of your boyfriend? scared that your parents might find him weird?” Jisung raises an eyebrow

“Oh my god!” Felix frustratedly grabs his hair. “It’s not like that but—-“ suddenly, a thought crossed Felix. 

“You’re jealous aren’t you!?” Felix shouted, pointing at his best friend, he saw how Jisung’s eyes widened. The boy wasn’t expecting that he’ll be caught. Was he too obvious? or did Felix snap out of it and realize that Jisung’s in love with him?

“Felix—“

“You’re jealous because I have a boyfriend and you don’t!” Felix pointed out. 

_ Oh.  _

Jisung doesn’t know if he wants to thank the heavens for making Felix too oblivious with his surroundings. 

“Come on Ji, i’m not gonna be mad if you just tell me the truth, that you’re afraid that I might leave you or you become a third wheel, it happens naturally to friends to have relationships but of course you’ll always be my best friend” 

_ 03 _

_**Felix you’re dumb** _

_**No for fuck’s sake i’m not jealous about you having a relationship, i’m jealous of Minho. I’m jealous that he has you as his boyfriend.** _

_**Why am I babbling shit like that? I almost spill out that I like— love you last night if it wasn’t for my brother who interrupted our moment.** _

_**Jealousy, was it too much? because I am writing my third letter to you and it’s always the same, I don’t have the courage to confess to you because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, and you’re an oblivious piece of shit.** _

_**Felix you were right, I am jealous and it was a dick move of me to make snarky comments about your boyfriend when I haven’t met him formally, I guess jealousy got a way over my head** _

_**I FUCKING HATE IT** _

_**I HATE THAT I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW AND MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE BECOMING DEEPER AND I CANNOT DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT AND THIS JEALOUSY OF MINE SHOULDN’T BE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE** _

_**I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LEE FELIX YONGBOK BUT I’M SUCH A FUCKING COWARD** _

_**-Jisung** _

_04_

Being nineteen means being a legal adult in Korea, it means that you can go to Itaewon or Hongdae to go to clubs and drink your first alcohol. 

And the fact that Felix and Jisung are just days apart means celebrating their adulthood together. 

“Slow down on the alcohol okay!? we still don’t know your alcohol tolerance” Younghyun laughs as he places a tray full of different alcohols on their table. 

“Thanks hyung!” Jisung shouts, the bar’s music is too loud for them to hear each other, it wasn’t supposed to be like this but Felix insisted. 

“Cheers?” Jisung hesitates, raising the small shot glass of soju, it was half-full unlike Felix. 

“Cheers!” The sound of glass colliding to each other was heard and with that, they had their first alcohol. 

“That was crazy!” Felix exclaimed, feeling a trail of burning liquid passed bg his throat. 

“Here drink this or eat something to chase the alcohol away” Jisung hands him a glass of iced tea in which the boy accepts. “Woah! you already know this? that’s so cool of you” 

Jisung shrugs, turning his attention on the basket of fries. “Younghyun hyung taught me how to, since I’m older than you, I’m going to be the one who’ll take care of you when you’re drunk”

“I’m not drunk!” Felix objected, Jisung grins as he grabbed an unfamiliar glass, maybe it was beer. 

“Sure Lix” he said, chugging down the glass of beer as he noticed his best friend turning red. 

“Don’t shy yourself kiddos! I’ll be the one driving you two home so don’t worry about getting drunk” a light pat on the back interrupted the two. Jisung glances on his brother, dressed casually but his dark makeup contrasts it, on his right hand is his bass. Despite being scouted by an agency, their band still loves performing in this bar, maybe it was the ambiance of it or it is because they can’t let go of the place. 

“You heard him Ji, let’s get drunk!” Felix shouts with joy, as he raises a glass of alcohol. Jisung had no choice but to grab his half-full glass of beer and smash it to Felix’s. 

Slowly, they weren’t able to control it. The alcohol may taste bitter in their taste buds but it was addictive that they lost the count on how many times they took a shot of soju or how many times they chugged down a glass of beer. Were there any cocktails intake? Jisung and Felix weren’t sure because all taste so addictive to them. 

“This was nice” Felix giggles, holding the empty shot glass in his hand. Jisung looks at him with bliss in his eyes. 

“Even when you’re drunk, you’re still beautiful” he mumbled. 

“What?”

Jisung shakes his head, thanking internally that the music’s too loud enough for Felix to hear those words. 

“How are you and Minho?” he asked out of nowhere, opening a bottle of soju, Felix reached out for his shot as he poured out some. 

“We’re okay” Felix replies shortly, taking a shot. “Why’d you asked?”

Jisung shakes his head once again. Over the past year, the two have constantly been the cutest couple ever, although Felix’ attention did get divided Jisung knows this will happen and unfortunately, he can’t do something about it. 

“How about you? Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” his best friend asked which caught the latter off-guard. 

“What?”

Felix rests his head on the table, showing a sign of drowsiness because of the alcohol. “You’re sweet, kind and everything, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” 

That’s when Jisung felt his cheeks heating up, taking a shot he looked at his best friend. “You’re really dense aren’t you?” his tone spit a hint of disappointment and anger. 

Felix raises his head. 

“Why? Because I like you!” Jisung shouts, loud enough for Felix to hear it. “No, I love you Felix! I have loved you ever since we were sixteen but I just can’t find the perfect opportunity to say it because I was scared to ruin our friendship!” 

Jisung was a coward. But tonight seems to be a little different compared to the times he tried to confess his feelings. He wanted to blame the alcohol for making him spit all those words but at the same time thanking it because he can finally say his feelings which he has been keeping for almost three years. 

He saw how Felix’ eyes widened at the same time, the small gap on his mouth the moment he said those words formed. Shock was an understatement, suddenly Felix’ mind got him spinning and dizzy, this one felt different, it wasn’t a headache--he can’t get a hold of the feeling, it was overwhelming to say that it made him fluttered and flustered but at the same time a hint of guilt swallowed him. 

Was he really that dense to not see that his best friend’s in love with him?

“Restroom” It was the only thing he said, covering his mouth as he felt the liquors he drank rising up. All of the sudden he stood up but fell because he just can’t seem to get a hold of himself. Jisung whose head was already spinning still managed to get a grasp of himself and guided his best friend towards the bar’s restroom. 

Felix vomits the liquid out of his digestive the moment he enters the cubicle, Jisung crunches his nose to the unpleasant smell and noise but nevertheless, helps his best friend by rubbing his back. “You should’ve drank slowly” he remarked, observing that Felix had more alcohol than him tonight. 

“Sorry” Felix apologizes. He doesn’t know where that apology is for, is it because of Jisung’s confession or is it the way he felt like a burden to him, but then again, he felt bad for both. Minutes later and he was sweating already, feeling the congested space of the restroom and the after effects of the liquor. That’s when he glances at Jisung, almost asleep as his eyes are half-closed. 

“Come on, let’s go home”

_ 04 _

Jisung woke up with a throbbing pain on his head, if this is what they called hangover then the boy swore he’ll never drink alcohol again. 

“Good morning Jisung, I made a hangover meal for both of you, wake Felix up because I have to go to the agency” his brother informed. Jisung could only nod his head, and the last thing he heard was the door slamming down. 

The latter shakes his best friend who’s sleeping next to him, minutes later and he heard Felix groan. 

“My head hurts”

“Come on, hyung made breakfast” he gestured. 

The two made their way towards the dining room, the strong aroma of kimchi soup and different side dishes pleases their smell and hunger. 

Quietly, Felix and Jisung ate, no one tried to open a conversation nor took a glance at the other, it was unusual for the two to eat in this silence but maybe it was because of the headache the two have right now. 

Or because of last night’s fiasco. 

“Sungie” Felix called out but not even sparing a glance at his best friend. 

“What?” Jisung asked, still focused on his meal. 

“About last night” the boy hesitates for a moment, unsure whether to open the topic or not. 

“What about it?”

Felix groans “What you said, is it true?” 

He felt Jisung stop for a moment. Glancing at him, Felix saw Jisung’s reaction seems to be different compared to what he was expecting. 

The boy looks so lost

“What did I say?” Jisung raised an eyebrow. 

“You see” Felix scratches his nape, embarrassed to say. “I don’t know, let’s just forget it”

“Oh come on! I was too drunk to remember everything, just tell me” Jisung pleaded, shaking his best friend's arm. 

“It’s nothing serious Ji, let’s forget about it” Felix smiled bitterly at him. He saw how Jisung seemed to have bought it and went back on finishing his meal. 

Somehow, a small part of Felix was hurt. He doesn’t know why he felt disappointed in his best friend’s reaction. He was expecting more from Jisung. 

He shouldn’t have assumed things. 

_ 04 _

**_Hey Felix,_ **

**_I’m sorry I lied._ **

**_I’m sorry if I have to tell you that I don’t remember anything when in fact I remember every detail that night, I remember your reaction and somehow, I was hurt because you never get to answer my confession to you._ **

**_No Felix, I wasn’t glad that you didn’t answer my confession, I was really hurt by it._ **

**_Do you know why I lied? Because I should’ve confessed to you when I was in the right state of my mind, not when I’m drunk or tipsy. I don’t want to have an alcohol intake to just say all the words I’ve been meaning to say to you. I want to say it in your face with full sincerity and courage but I don’t know when it will happen Lix._ **

**_Why am I such a fucking coward? Fuck, this is so embarrassing, I’m a fucking adult now but here I am still writing letters to my first love. I swear this will be the last letter I’ll write to you._ **

**_We’re seniors now, we’re going to graduate this year and go to college, I think it’s time to man up right?_ **

**_Right?_ **

**_-Jisung_ **

_ 05 _

Jisung will miss his old scruffy yellow uniform that doesn’t match his now black hair. He will miss the school cafeteria and their pork tonkatsu. He will miss running towards the hallway because he’s late. 

Overall he will miss high school. 

“Congrats little bro!” Younghyun shouts as he ruffles his brother’s hair. 

“Goddamnit hyung, it took me hours to style this!” he complained but only got a hearty laugh from Younghyun. 

“Where’s Lix by the way?” 

Jisung shrugs, his best friend’s usually early at this kind of event. He can’t miss graduation because it’s their last day here in their school. 

“Maybe he’s with his boyfriend” Jisung bitterly said, looking around and noticing that he can’t find Minho too. 

Their graduation ceremony started. One by one they were called to the stage to receive their diplomas. Jisung walks on the stage with confidence, receiving his diploma and facing the audience, he scans the whole area. 

“Nope, not a single sight of Felix Lee” he was confused but nevertheless, enjoyed his last day in his old school. 

“Jisung!” They were on their way back to the car when he saw Felix running towards them, raising an eyebrow to see the boy in a formal suit and hair brushed up. 

“You missed graduation” Jisung mumbles as he welcomes his best friend with a hug. 

“No it's okay! I got my diploma yesterday” Felix explains, a smile plastered in his lips confuses Jisung. 

“Care to take a walk with me?”

_ 05 _

The school felt bigger when it’s just the two of you, Jisung observes. The sun’s setting right in front of their eyes, painting the sky purple and orange, seeing its hue turning bright shows that the day’s passing by and relentlessly, the two of them just enjoyed the serene view of the sky from the school field. 

“Where have you been that you missed our graduation?” Jisung complains. Sitting down on the grass field. 

Felix sits beside him. “I had an interview” 

Jisung looks at him, as if he wanted him to talk more. 

“You know that international school in Australia where my father studied in college?” he asked, Jisung nods. He remembers how Felix’s eyes sparkled whenever he opened the topic about that school, it was his dream school and was hoping that he could study there someday. 

“Well today was my interview with my college administrator and I passed!” Jisung felt his head shaking as his best friend grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. “Jisung I got in! I’m going to my dream school!” 

Was it wrong that he was not happy that his best friend passed? Was it wrong that he wanted Felix to stay here in Korea with him? He sounds so selfish in his thoughts but the only thing he can do is stare at his best friend's ethereal face trying to find the words that can suit the situation right now without hurting himself and coming out as insensitive. 

“C-congrats” he stuttered, looking away to prevent tears from flowing. “You deserve it Lix, it was your dreams and I’m just glad that you made it, uncle’s probably proud of you” 

Sniffing off the tears away, he tried his best to give his best friend a genuine smile even deep inside he was hurting. 

“You’re sad that I’m leaving? Don’t worry, I’ll go here every summer so that you won’t miss me that much” Felix assured, making Jisung laugh a little. 

“Thanks for the small comfort” he sarcastically said which earned him a small smack from his best friend. 

“Let’s just enjoy our remaining days together” Jisung suggested, looking at the sunset. He felt Felix’s head resting on his shoulder. Whenever the boy does that, his heart goes all-crazy but this time, he felt nothing more than to be at ease.

_ 05 _

**_I never thought that this day would come._ **

**_Who am I kidding? I know that this day would come, you’ve been babbling about that for years and in those years I should’ve said my feelings for you._ **

**_Now that I am twenty, I regret everything. I regret every single day where the two of us are together and I could’ve spilled out my feelings for you, but nothing happened. I just stood there and kept my feelings for you because I was afraid that you’ll reject me, there I said it. I was afraid of you rejecting me and at the same time became distant to me._ **

**_But it’s okay Felix, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault that you’re not aware of my feelings, don't take the blame, it’s all my fault and I am facing the consequences of my cowardness. It’s okay, you have your dream school, you have a handsome boyfriend and don’t worry, your best friend is still here with you._ **

**_I told myself that I won’t be writing letters anymore but here I am breaking my own words, don’t worry, after your flight in Australia, I’ll burn my letters._ **

**_And I’ll make sure to burn my feelings for you too._ **

**_I have loved you ever since we were sixteen, I love you Lee Felix, I love you so much and don’t you ever change._ **

**_-Jisung_ **

**_Ps. Just so you know, I’ll choose to be with you every single fucking day._ **

_ 05 _

  
  


Felix is like a hopping bunny as he enters the airport. His mood was brighter than before as his hands locked with Jisung who seemed to be pleased with the skinship. 

“Australia here I come!” he shouts, earning a few glances from his fellow passengers. 

It was just the two of them that day, Jisung promised his best friend to send him off to his departure. And here he is, with Felix one last time. 

“Thank you for sending me off Sungie” Felix said with a smile on his face. 

Jisung bitterly smiles. “Of course! this is the last time I’ll see you” he doesn’t know why but those words just came out from his mouth. 

“Don’t say like I’ll be staying in Australia forever, I’ll go back here during summer!” Felix whines, making Jisung smile.

“One last time, maybe you could have the courage to say—“ Jisung’s thoughts got interrupted by an announcement, it was the flight to Sydney. 

“Shit I gotta go, I haven’t even checked in” Felix panics all of the sudden. Looking at his best friend, he grabs Jisung by the shoulder and hugs him, his head resting on the latter’s chest and it was funny for him, he can feel his best friend’s heart beat fast, it was warm and calm that he wondered when was the last time he felt this. 

“So, this is goodbye Jisung” Felix said, breaking the hug. He noticed his best friend’s in daze. 

“Any last words?” He raised an eyebrow, the latter chuckles. 

“What are you dead?”

Felix pouts. “Come on! You’re ruining the moment”

And this time, Jisung smiles, it wasn’t a bitter smile nor a painful one. He just has to look on the brighter side. “Maybe it was better that you’re away from me, the less I saw you, the chances I can move on” he breathe in

“Take care Lix” 

As he watched Felix disappear in the crowd of people, he could feel a heavy weight from him pulling away. Was it painful to see him walk away? Sadly yes, but he knows that it was for the best.

It was funny for the boy, Felix wasn’t even his in the first place yet it really hurts like hell for him. Jisung clicks his tongue as he turns around.

It was time for him to go home and burn the letters just like what he promised to himself. 

_ 00 _

As Jisung prepared the gasoline and match, he reached at the third drawer of his study table and grabbed the stack of letters, furrowing his eyebrows, he looked at it and noticed that the drawer was empty.

“Where are my letters!?”

_ 00 _

“Felix sweetie you have a package!”

Felix runs downstairs, still on the edge of jet lag, the latter grabs the small package from his mother.

“Who could’ve sent me a package? I just arrived in Australia” he whined as he went back to his room.

The package was in the form of a thick envelope, carefully Felix unwraps the bubble wrap in it. Opening the envelope, he was welcomed by five sets of letters, the oldest was crumpled and dated back in 2016. 

The boy was confused at first but shrugs as he opens the letter. 

  
  


**_Hey Felix,_ **

**_So, this is stupid, never thought that I am such a coward that instead of telling you what I feel……..._ **


End file.
